In last week’s column, I hinted that Joshua Harris’ Stop Dating the Church has a major flaw.  At first I thought it was going to be my “favorite book.”  Not quite – not after I actually read the whole book.

Today after church, Linda and I had lunch with Rev. George David, an Indian born missionary who pastors churches, runs a school, and operates a soup kitchen in Port Blair on the Andeman Islands in the Bay of Bengal.  The islands are also part of India.

Rev. David was proudly showing us pictures of his daughter’s wedding, from our perspective a mix of Indian customs and western tradition.  I couldn’t resist asking one question: “Was it an arranged marriage?”

“Yes,” he answered, wondering what our response might be.  He went on to tell us that the divorce rate in India is almost nil.  Linda and I remembered the happy couple from India we met a couple of years ago while traveling in Switzerland.  “We would never presume to be wise enough to choose our own partner for life.”

We Americans are not only adamant about our freedom to choose life partners without interference, we are unaware there is even an alternative.  We are arrogant about our sense of personal wisdom and maturity – in spite of the obvious evidence that our system of mate selection is not very successful.

While I would hardly suggest we all switch to arranged marriages (especially 32 years from the day I asked Linda to marry me), we could all use a little humility about our need to re-think our system.  In our culture we make our choices without seeking the wisdom of others and without asking the right questions.  We simply assume we know best.

That’s where I hoped Joshua Harris was going to go in his book, Stop Dating the Church.  Instead, in a chapter called “Choosing Your Church,” he offers a set of questions to ask about churches.  Here is a sample:

·         Is this a church where sound doctrine matters?

·         Is this a church committed to reaching non-Christians with the gospel?

·         Is this a church whose leaders are characterized by humility and integrity?

·         Is this a church where I can find and cultivate godly relationships?

What’s the matter with that list?  On one level, nothing.  I certainly would not advocate jumping into a church that teaches heresy, believes non-Christians don’t need the gospel, or whose leaders are arrogant.

But the first nine of Harris’ ten questions set up his reader as a church critic, a judge of leaders and members.  His questions reinforce a consumer mindset, which will ultimately lead to disillusionment.  If I join a church thinking I can answer all those questions in the affirmative, I will spend my time at that church looking for and even pointing out its flaws as long as I am there.  Then I will eventually leave, trying to find another church that fits my ideal. 

Further, the set of questions assumes we are all wise enough to set the standard in these areas.  Take “sound doctrine,” for example.  It doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing in twenty-first century America that it did when Paul wrote the phrase to Timothy and Titus (2:1, for example).  Our version of “sound doctrine” implies a much more detailed checklist.  Is this church right about baptism, women in leadership, communion, the end times, predestination, Sunday observance, church government, and a long list of other issues? 

These “disputable matters” (Romans 14:1) have caused us to multiply denominations and associations by the thousands – or refuse identification with other churches altogether and be “independent.”  While Harris offers a clear disclaimer that he’s not talking about those more minor issues, my point is that his list of questions reinforces the reader’s perception of his or her own independent ability and authority.

What I don’t like about what I just wrote is that it sounds, well, arrogant.  I don’t mean it that way.  Harris’ book has a lot of great insights and is well worth a serious read and careful reflection.  But if we truly “stop dating the church,” we need a different way of selecting a church family than setting ourselves up as every church’s critic.

My favorite of Harris’ ten questions is his last one: 

·         Is this a church I’m willing to join ‘as is’ with enthusiasm and faith in God?

If the answer is “no,” I need to be open to whether the problem is as much in me as it is in the church.

For what it’s worth, here are the questions I suggest to our Pastor’s Class (for potential new members) at Corinth that they should ask when changing churches (from another local congregation) or choosing churches.  As I re-read my own list, perhaps there are some questions raised by Joshua Harris that I should consider as additions or revisions to my list.  What do you think?

Questions to Ask When Choosing a Church

1)      Why am I “looking for a church home”? 

2)      What is God doing in my life and how might a church family be part of that process?

3)      What would be missing in my life without a church?

4)      What is the purpose of belonging to a church vis-à-vis simply attending?

5)      What have been my positive and negative experiences in or about churches in the past?

6)      In what ways do I exhibit a “consumer mentality” toward choosing a church home?

7)      In what ways will my commitment to this church reflect a Christian spirit of service, humility, sacrifice, and submission?

8)      What expectations do I bring with me for my new church, and where do those expectations come from?

9)      What are the differences among the churches I am considering, and why do they matter?

10)  How involved and connected should I be in the life of the church before I decide to join?

Questions to Ask When Changing Churches

1)      Am I moving from something or to something?

2)      Do I expect to be more committed or less committed to my new church than I was to the old one?

3)      Have I left more than one church over similar issues?

4)      Am I realistic in my expectations of flawed human beings (pastors, leaders, members)?

5)      Have I expressed clearly, fairly, and objectively to the pastor and/or lay leaders of the church I am leaving my reason for leaving?

6)      Have I made every effort to reconcile personal relationships even if I am convinced that it is time to move?

7)      Am I bringing any baggage with me that may affect my relationships in the new church, i.e., cause me to be less willing to form friendships?

8)      If the situation changed in the church I am leaving the day after I join my new church, would there be any regrets?

9)      If the pastor of my new church announced his or her resignation the day after I joined, would there be any regrets?

10)  What are the evidences that God is leading me to make this change?